Ok, lovers, let's just chill out!

I know I already posted my v-day sentiment, but i was just cruising some other blogs and discovered that there are some hateful comments getting tossed around by ex's in various states of turmoil. So as someone who has contemplated devious modes of reprisal for hurts both real and imagined, let me be the first to call for order. No matter how much you want to tell your ex's parents what a shit he really is, it won't make you feel better in the long run. Think that "accidentally" melting your ex-girlfriend's vinyl collection will balance the karmic scales for the pain she caused you? Nope. Friends, the only thing lashing out at your ex does is make you feel worse about yourself. Take the high road and and hold on for dear life. Respect yourself and do what you need to get over it.

I don't understand why people do what they do to hurt each other, but they do. Time and time again. Some more than others. All that we can do as individuals is to be honest with ourselves about who we are and what we want from our lovers, and then be honest with them. Not about everything, always. Just about the really important things, like wanting an open relationship or not feeling the love anymore. I don't know how we are supposed to trust each other when everyone lies. I don't know how I'll ever trust anyone again. I'm going to try. Everytime I think about it, I remember how in 6th grade I learned that nothing lasts forever. I made myself promise to remember it. But I forgot. And once I had really forgotten, I met someone who made me believe in miracles. I couldn't believe how wonderful it felt to love and be loved wholeheartedly. As a cynic, I never believed in anything or anyone, really. I made bad decisions and didn't think I deserved to be happy. So when this came around I took a long time to drop the shields around me: humor, keeping things light, refusal to mix our dvds together. And bit by bit, I relented, I melted, I gave in to the feeling that I might have met the man I'd be with forever. I fantasized about having a baby together and maybe getting married - not that marriage has ever been all that important to me.

When things started to fall apart, I remembered my childhood lesson that nothing lasts forever and I concentrated on not taking another moment for granted. Not that I ever really did. I always was so happy to go to sleep curled up behind him, smelling the coffee in his hair (barista,) with my cat curled up as the third spoon in front of him. Now weird memories keep popping into my head at random: like how I would write things on the hardboiled eggs he took to work in his lunch like "eat me," or how I would fold his boxers the way he liked and stack his t-shirts by color on his shelves in our closet.

Writing this is making me feel sad, because I don't talk to him anymore. But I can't talk to him, because everytime I think about something I miss about him, the circle inevitably leads back to how much he disappointed me in the end and how terribly he crushed my belief in love and trust. I want to punish him for all the things he did wrong, I want him to know that if I hate him it is all his fault, and I want him to suffer the way I have. BUT- I loved him for years with my entire being and I want to believe that he loved me as much. SO- I refrain from doing any of the hurtful things I think he deserves, out of respect for what we shared for so long. AND - I think this is the only way for me to go forward as a whole person, with integrity and self-respect.

Then again, we are all going to do what we do until we don't anymore. So if you can't fight that feeling, well embrace it and hope it doesn't come back to you 3-fold.

Oh, yes. Once again, too personal! Oh well, these are the things that rattle around in my post-break-up brain. Especially on this stupid day.

By the way, we were able to separate our dvd's without an argument. So fuck it! Mix it up, get crazy, get close, get your heart broken again. It's life and it feels so good to be alive. Now, I'm going out on my damn date and I'm going to get drunk and make out with this guy I hardly know. And I can't wait!