potholes & pitstops: January 2008

I was looking through my posts and saw that I had this picture saved as a draft from November. It's the healed version of my previous tattoo post and deeply connected for me with my break up with Riff. When I went back to Seattle for Christmas/New Years I had it retouched to fix the eye and darken the black areas. I'll put up a picture of the newer version soon.

Yes, it's healing. Slowly, way too slowly for me. It's frustrating to have emotions, but what would life be without them? Who would I be if I weren't this incredibly feeling, sensitive, emotional, irrational being? Not me, I guess. The break up was horrid. It could have been worse, of course, way worse - for example, we didn't have any kids to worry about and we didn't throw anything or hit each other. I don't want to go into details, but lets just say that certain parties could have handled things a lot better and a lot sooner. But I should just worry about the parts I can control - mine. I wish that I had had more confidence in my ability to be in New York on my own back in August when the shit hit the relationship fan. I have always been afraid of being on my own, despite great amounts of evidence that I am a capable adult who can take care of herself. Of course, now I am doing fine - I have a great, huge (by new york standards!) room in a great apartment with terrific roommates. I lost 15 pounds and fit into clothes I haven't worn in a few years. I am starting to enjoy the things I like to do again and am making new friends and connecting again with old friends.

By the way, if any of you new york friends are reading this who haven't seen me in a while, I want you to know that we will hang out again and I miss you, but I just don't want to ask/hear about anything Riff right now. We tried to be friends, but it's just too soon. I miss him, too, but i also kind of hate him.

So after my last trip to Seattle and many bowls of pho soup, I am doing much better. I have been working like crazy to make up for my 3 week vacation and xmas and I'm happy about it. Soon I hope to get back into photography. (My creativity went to zero during all this.) I've been super boy crazy and then totally not into it. It panics me to think of either being rejected or having to reject someone else. And then there's the whole thing - what if I like a boy and then 10 minutes later the thrill is gone? I'm a giant ball of dating neurosis. (or neuroses?)

Is this too personal? Maybe. But the 5 of you who still read this blog either know me well enough or don't know me at all, so who cares?

It's weird after my 4.75 year relationship to be alone with my thoughts. After work I walk through mid-town Manhattan with thousands of people rushing past me to the buses, the subways, the taxis, the bars and restaurants and shows and hotels. I cram onto the V train with all these other commuters and feel totally alone in the crowd. It's the weirdest feeling - now it feels surreal and strangely poignant, but it used to make me incredibly depressed and lonely.

This reminds me of a story: I got back from Seattle at the beginning of january and started working right away. I tried to call Riff because we were going to meet up to exchange some mail and stuff, but he had lost his phone and days went by without him contacting me via email. I got out of work on a Sunday and tried to call him again - this time he answered - he was at a bar where one of his friends worked, hanging out with another friend. He said he'd call back later. I went to the subway and began to feel really sad. He hadn't responded to my emails or voice messages, and he had friends I'd never met and he was with his new girlfriend's friend who he used to tell me I'd really like, but obviously now would never meet. I tried to hold back the tears and stared at nothing through the subway window, but they just started to trickle down my face. I wiped them away with my sleeve feeling embarassed and alone. After a few minutes, the hipster russian girl sitting perpendicular in front of me leaned over and asked, "Are you alright? Do you need a tissue?" I couldn't believe that someone on a new york subway was checking on me! I said, "I'm ok," while she dug through her bag. "I guess I could use a tissue. You're so nice." She said, "I've cried on the subway before and I know it's just the loneliest feeling in the world. I never understood why no one would just ask me if I'm ok." It was the most beautiful thing anyone could have said to me at that point and I thanked her for being so sweet. "Is it going to be alright?" she asked me. I said, "Yes, I just need to get over it, but it is going to be alright."

I know, I know, it's ridiculous to go to starbucks when there great places for coffee in this town, but trust me, starbucks is way better than the coffee at work AND!! i discovered that they are now carrying Top Pot doughnuts all the way from Seattle! I'm not a huge doughnut fan, but I am a huge seattle fan, and I say kudos to Top Pot for landing the account! Way to go! See I got one - a glazed old fashioned. It was yummy and fresh. Now, my double extra short americano, on the other hand, was not up to specs. For some reason the baristas at Starbucks are unable to not fill a cup up to the top. So my americano was not extra short at all. Oh, well. I only buy starbucks to avoid crappy deli coffee when I haven't had time to make it at home.