Ken, if you liked the post about my brother, you'll love this one about my job!

The world of temping, part two: The pee test. Yes, dear devoted readers, what you are about to see is my pee. Turn away now, if you are faint of heart. The temp agency gave me a form to take to the testing facility. Note the specimen bottle seals on the bottom of the form:




Am I getting a job as a driver of a car, boat or plane? Will I be around small children or animals? Performing medical procedures? Balancing on a tight rope, swinging from a trapeze or juggling flaming objects? Ok, how about operating a forklift, using a welding tool or even a sharp knife? The answer to all of the above is NO. I will be updating Excel spreadsheets. That's it. For 3 or 4 days. Me and some spreadsheets. Thank god they will know that I am not a pot smoker, coke snorter, pill popper or heroin user. Can you imagine how fucked up their spreadsheets might end up?

So I took the form and walked down Lexington until I got to the fancy testing place:



I had to sit in the waiting room for about 20 minutes drinking water. Eric, the nice gentleman waiting to handle my pee, was patient and jovial. In the waiting room, he told another guest not to worry about his upcoming blood test, and then said, "I'm new." The guest asked how long he'd been doing this and Eric answered, "What time is it?" and laughed heartily. Diagnostic humor.

When you are being screened for drugs, there is a ritual that must be observed. You must remove all outer garments. You must remove everything from your pockets (including my cell phone - too bad for all of you.) You must lock the contents of your pockets in a padded box and take the key with you into the bathroom. Eric watches you go into the bathroom with your plastic cup, upon which he has drawn a black line to indicate how much urine you must provide. Once inside you are instructed to urinate, and come out without flushing. If you accidentally flush, you fail the test. There is no sink in the bathroom. You pee, zip up and come out. Eric then instructs you to hand him the cup, pours a portion into a specimen bottle and hands it back to you. "Dump this in the toilet, flush and then you can wash your hands." I follow his orders carefully as I do not want to fail.

Once we are finished Eric gracefully allows me to photograph the final product:



After the photo op, Eric seals the bottle into a plastic bag with my form and tosses it into what I assume is an "out" bin. My part is over, now it's in their hands.

But wait, the best part: The corporation that wants me to be clean and sober for my 4 day office job is, (drum roll..........) the owner of a major tobacco company! Yea, temping!